Foundations of Disillusionment
by ::G @ 2005-04-10 08:42
This weekend has found me somewhat dissatisfied with the way I'm living my life. That is, not the way life is treating me necessarily, but the way I'm responding to it. The fundamental problem is that I can't seem to focus clearly on any one thing to see it through to completion, nor can I force myself to do things when something more interesting grabs my attention. The foundations for this stem from the deep and serious flaw, leading me to procrastinate and generally sabotage my own plans for higher accomplishments.
Too often I abandon projects before they're completed, simply because my mind has migrated to something else. For example, in 1995 I wrote a DOS-based program to read the Linux 2nd Extended filesystem (to access another partition on my multi-boot setup), and got it working (with help debugging from Steve Govenar), but never really published it. A few months later, a group produced a set of command-line tools that did something similar, though in all fairness theirs was better because it was command-line and could also write as well as read (having been based from the kernel source). I never wrote any utilities for Windows because native support required device drivers. As another example, I was working with data compression on my own in my early years of college (continuing an interest I developed in high school), but failed to nurture the ideas into anything usable. Only later in early 2002 did I further the work into an algorithm using Hidden Markov Models, the nature of which my earlier musings had implied, yet I didn't know the theory behind HMMs. My skills in math are still somewhat weaker than they should be. This work was for a graduate-level individual studies course, with Prof. Stanley Ahalt as my advisor, to establish graduate student status so I could return to OSU for my M.S. At this time, however, I started making trips to Japan for integration support, and completion of my work was delayed. I managed to produce results showing that with an LZW-like back-end (adaptively outputting 9-12 bit codes of integer width) that outperforms LZW, and would easily be converted into a dynamic arithmetic back-end for even higher compression ratios. Alas, I never finished writing up the first paper, although I started and still have all my materials—awaiting completion.
Often I've wondered if this malaise of incompletion isn't a manifestation of ADHD. A friend of mine was diagnosed with ADHD, and I have a lot of the same characteristics. Still, even if that were implicated, I'm not sure I would consent to taking mind-altering drugs, because that could potentially screw me up (even worse than I am). On the other hand, if I can't progress any further than this, perhaps the cybernetic thing to do would be to attempt a fix. The problem is, "modern medicine" is still very primitive. We don't definitively know if butter or margarine is worse, or if chicken eggs are more good for us than bad. One would be wise to give pause to imbibing substances that could cause unforeseen damage.
I've also noticed that when I get angry with myself for being this way, other people irritate me moreso than usual. It's probably that I've noticed my failings and become similarly critical of others. Right now I'm somewhat irritated at my girlfriend, who basically put me in a situation where I had to let her move in with me, and at a friend who is now between jobs and has time to work on himself (as in self-improvement) yet seems to be content downloading videos from the Internet. As for the former, I feel that it consumes my time and produces more clutter that crowds my space (she works as much as I do and so has no time to clean). As for the latter, I suppose I can't really complain because when I was in Rochester I pretty much did the same thing; maybe I'm just jealous that I have no such luxury. Then again, I'm here writing in this blog. I'm hoping that it's theraputic.
Still, sometimes I think I should just become a recluse. I'd get more work done that way. In the past I've said that no matter where one goes, if one looks, one can always find "one's people" (specifically a significant other). However, that's if one's in an accepting mood. Should I never want to accept someone else's flaws, I shouldn't have to, as long as I'm willing to accept the consequences of being alone. For me, that tolerance waxes and wanes with my self-image.
Too often I abandon projects before they're completed, simply because my mind has migrated to something else. For example, in 1995 I wrote a DOS-based program to read the Linux 2nd Extended filesystem (to access another partition on my multi-boot setup), and got it working (with help debugging from Steve Govenar), but never really published it. A few months later, a group produced a set of command-line tools that did something similar, though in all fairness theirs was better because it was command-line and could also write as well as read (having been based from the kernel source). I never wrote any utilities for Windows because native support required device drivers. As another example, I was working with data compression on my own in my early years of college (continuing an interest I developed in high school), but failed to nurture the ideas into anything usable. Only later in early 2002 did I further the work into an algorithm using Hidden Markov Models, the nature of which my earlier musings had implied, yet I didn't know the theory behind HMMs. My skills in math are still somewhat weaker than they should be. This work was for a graduate-level individual studies course, with Prof. Stanley Ahalt as my advisor, to establish graduate student status so I could return to OSU for my M.S. At this time, however, I started making trips to Japan for integration support, and completion of my work was delayed. I managed to produce results showing that with an LZW-like back-end (adaptively outputting 9-12 bit codes of integer width) that outperforms LZW, and would easily be converted into a dynamic arithmetic back-end for even higher compression ratios. Alas, I never finished writing up the first paper, although I started and still have all my materials—awaiting completion.
Often I've wondered if this malaise of incompletion isn't a manifestation of ADHD. A friend of mine was diagnosed with ADHD, and I have a lot of the same characteristics. Still, even if that were implicated, I'm not sure I would consent to taking mind-altering drugs, because that could potentially screw me up (even worse than I am). On the other hand, if I can't progress any further than this, perhaps the cybernetic thing to do would be to attempt a fix. The problem is, "modern medicine" is still very primitive. We don't definitively know if butter or margarine is worse, or if chicken eggs are more good for us than bad. One would be wise to give pause to imbibing substances that could cause unforeseen damage.
I've also noticed that when I get angry with myself for being this way, other people irritate me moreso than usual. It's probably that I've noticed my failings and become similarly critical of others. Right now I'm somewhat irritated at my girlfriend, who basically put me in a situation where I had to let her move in with me, and at a friend who is now between jobs and has time to work on himself (as in self-improvement) yet seems to be content downloading videos from the Internet. As for the former, I feel that it consumes my time and produces more clutter that crowds my space (she works as much as I do and so has no time to clean). As for the latter, I suppose I can't really complain because when I was in Rochester I pretty much did the same thing; maybe I'm just jealous that I have no such luxury. Then again, I'm here writing in this blog. I'm hoping that it's theraputic.
Still, sometimes I think I should just become a recluse. I'd get more work done that way. In the past I've said that no matter where one goes, if one looks, one can always find "one's people" (specifically a significant other). However, that's if one's in an accepting mood. Should I never want to accept someone else's flaws, I shouldn't have to, as long as I'm willing to accept the consequences of being alone. For me, that tolerance waxes and wanes with my self-image.
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I'm going to have to say that I have no idea what you were talking about as far as the programs go. Something I'm never going to understand. However, they seem to be projects that take a long time to finish.
I don't think you have ADHD. It's a matter of the choices you make. Yes, you can go on and spend every spare moment you have to finish these projects in the near future. But is it worth it? That's a question you have to ask yourself. If these projects are simply things you want to do out of interest, must you finish them quickly? Wouldn't you be just as satified if you simply spend a little time on it every now and then? I think it's important for you to do something mindless/relaxing from time to time just to keep yourself sane.
You're right, you can probably accomplish more things if you were a recluse. But I think we, as human beings, need to be around other people. We need accompaniment or some sort and physical contact (a friendly gesture of the hand on your shoulder while they talk to you, for example.) Without those things, I think we can develop other problems, which will likely make us less productive in the end.
Basically, it's all about balance. An idea that can be applied to many things in life.
Hmm, I had a feeling that no one was reading this blog anymore ;-) That's ok since I'm writing it for myself and no one else, but maybe it's entertaining, even if just a little bit?
Many of the projects I want to do are time-consuming because they're things that no one's done before. My data compression algorithm, for instance, even though I came up with the basic idea in high school, does not exist in the literature after a reasonably good survey. To me it's not worth doing unless the objective is something no one's done before. Of course there are a lot of steps on the way, and building on someone else's work is inevitably part of that. (Nothing we do in life except the fundamentals of living would be possible without the work of someone else.)
As for balance, it's a tough line to walk. A modicum of happiness is essential for one's sanity, which is essential to continue one's work, but at the same time, one has to be mindful of becoming complacent. Gotta shake things up every once in a while.
Perhaps my problem is I don't know which of my projects would be best suited for doing. I think many of them are more important than my job, because they're for my ego, not the corporate bosses' benefit. Still, my work ethic puts certain constraints on my time, giving work priority. Unfortunately.
Regarding reclusion, when I feel down, sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't be better off completely on my own. I suppose that just means I need my own time every once in a while. Still, it bugs me when people paw me too much when talking—makes me want to smack back! (hehe)